precious

I like to read. I always have. The fact that at one time I had more books than clothes says a lot about that. Things have changed now. I have more bags than I have books, more shoes than I have bags, more clothes than I have shoes, more material than I can ever need. I crib sometimes about how reading is a dying passion..in me, in kids today, in the world. But somehow I still want to believe that it would still be something my kids would turn to after an exceptionally hard day.

I saw the movie Precious today, a movie as disturbing as they can make. I clutched my comforter every time the girl's mother yelled at her. And shut my eyes tight when she hurled that vase at her back. I almost cried during the last scene. The girl conjured up beautiful, happy images in her mind every time something bad would happen to her. She'd distance herself from the pain and suffering mentally, believing that this was not how the world was supposed to be and thats why there is always a next day. The fairy-tale she wrote for a class report was about a beautiful princess who lived in her own big bubble under the sea. How can it not break your heart, when she writes 'Why me?' on a page.

The one thing that made her believe that things can get better was that if her kids could read and write and be literate and then happy. She wrote every emotion that she felt even when her world was falling apart. She read through her misery so that one day she could read to her child.

I always thought saying "Books are your best friends" is the most meaningless thing any library can have posted on their walls. I realize now how much it means to someone who needs a friend. And that gives me hope.

the oddball

An experiment at screenplay-

Through smoke and bad neon lighting, I saw a glimpse of her. Nothing that I hadn't seen before. She was pretty, caught your eye alright. Long brown hair, dark piercing eyes, and a full red mouth. Ah, the mouth, something about it made me look again. It looked soft and strong at the same time. Nice, I think I might like that.

"Dude, seriously would you stop staring already! What are you 12?", my friend bellowed out loud in front of all.

Oh, was I looking that long? Past the 3 second scrutiny that we subject every girl that walks in through the front door. Ok, I got to reel it in a bit now, before these neanderthals start putting me through countless bouts of ridicule. But, man that mouth.

I glanced one more time towards her. She stood there all by herself. Waiting for someone I suppose. What man in his right mind would keep her waiting. She was tall, pretty in a very girl next door sort of way and looked smart; a combination I hadn't seen in a long time. She could be a lawyer or maybe one of those artsy types. I couldn't tell from here. If she would just look this way once I could probably figure if I had a chance.

Hey wait a minute whats that guy doing?

A shot of Glenlivet in each hand. He walked upto her. He's whispering something. She gave him the once over, considering if she should appreciate the balls on this one to approach her or just plain laugh at his face.

Haha, she is so gonna shoot him down.

She looks at the clock on the wall. Looks back at the guy.

Wait a minute is she...with him? Come on! Is there no justice in the world? That guy and HER?!

She's saying something back to him now. She took the shot of single malt scotch from his right hand. Downed it in one go. Wow, that has got to have burned. She took the second shot from him. Downed it again! And just as smoothly, walked out of the door.

Wow.

I think I am in LOVE.

It's OK everything will be alright

With massive amounts of time on your hands you experience equally intense amount of bullshit. I see bright yellow balloons and fuchsia palette-d life on a 72 mm screen in my head. And then I open my mind to life around. I pass the opportunity to be a part of it and continue to watch the World Skateboarding Championship on the screen upfront; with only thing running through my head - how awesome would it be if someone would score some; and then watch those skaters flip through air defying all laws of gravity, and sucker punch Newton in mid-air (with a couple of black-lights thrown in for good measure maybe). For all the little people reading this, I am a Math TA, so I like to keep thinking about how well my students do in class at odd points in time.

Life really throws you a couple of bad bouncers once in a while. It's hard.

I remember this one time when I was upset and someone patted me on my head and said, 'It's OK everything will be alright'. I wish I could still be as naive to believe that at every low point in life you would have someone to do that for you. Hah! I heard someone say in the background and realization dawned upon me. Wake up. Everything won't ever be alright. Your heart will always hurt. Our parents, at the risk of practicing bad parenting skills; should have told us that it never stops to hurt. Maybe as a few people I know, prefer to live; delusion may not be such a bad alternative.

If you read till the end of this hoping for some sort of a conclusive revelation for/from me, I shall find immense pleasure in disappointing as there was no purpose to this except to let the next episode of Californication buffer. Cheerios.